So Twilight’s latest embarrassment premiered this week. And I figured it was the perfect time for some completely unrestrained Twilight-bashing. First, let’s take a look at the author: Stephanie Meyer (aka Isabella Swan). She’s clearly the most delusional lady on Earth. Why do I say that, you ask? Because she wants to have hardcore, furniture-breaking, blood-spilling baby making activities with a 17 year old teenage boy who is actually a VAMPIRE. It’s true. She obviously wrote the book picturing herself in Bella’s shoes:
See? SHE'S BATSHIT CRAZY!!!
And I’m not the only one who thinks she’s weird. Check it:
Stephanie, you've just been Googled bitch!
Okay, I’m being a little harsh. I know. But she started it by plunging the world into an absurd non-fantasy. She’s ruined an entire generation of girls who will now grow up thinking that it’s perfectly safe to fall in love with a guy even if he’s capable of killing you by grinding too hard or something.
Alright, now let’s talk about the books. I’ve only read the first one, and it was shit. I just don’t see how it’s possible for Steph to have a degree of any kind in English Literature (she has one fyi). A lot of people have been comparing Stephenie with J.K. Rowling and also saying that Twilight is the next Harry Potter. WHAT?! Here’s what a REAL WRITER had to say about that load of bull:
And here’s what Potter had to say about it:
So. if you still don’t believe me, I think it’s time to introduce to you my good friend Alex Day. Mr Day is a saint who has read the ENTIRE book of Twilight on YouTube to see for himself what all the hype/hate was about. Watch the first chapter in the brilliant “Alex Reads Twilight” series.
Okay. Let’s move on to the movies. Oh Kristen Stewart, why did you ever accept this role? You were terrific in Adventureland! Probably because of all the ca$h money. Understandable. So you had to go trade Jesse Eisenberg for Robert Pattinson, and just look at what its done to you.
Before Twilight
After Twilight
Hideous. Honestly, I’m so sorry that this is what playing Bella Swan on screen has to your life! You probably hate Ms. Meyer more than anyone. Alright, enough about Kristen. She has proved herself to be above my cussing by playing awesome roles in her other films (Can’t wait for Snow White and the Huntsman). I hate Bella Swan, not Kristen.
Can you guess who I’m going to word-fuck next?
Its the guy on the right. Edward Motherfucking Cullen. The sod who made it gay to brood. I’m not going to mess with Jacob Black because he seems to be one of the only characters in the books who seemed human, given that he’s a shapeshifting-Cherokee-werewolf or something. Edward on the other hand is a fucking jackass. Always with his damn mixed signals.
If he loves Bella sooo much, he would’ve just stayed away from her instead of saying things like: “Bella darling, our love is dangerous. I could crush your skull by touching your face too hard. It’s best for you if I just stay away.” Then why don’t you stay away?! Be practical Edward! Nobody likes killing their girlfriend. Ughh. I swear, the first book is just full of that stuff. Jacob is, as a matter of fact, a much better lover for Bella. BECAUSE HE LOOKS AFTER HER. also, HE DOESN’T WANT TO DRINK HER BLOOD!!! Stephenie, seriously, how can a relationship as fucked up as this ever work without someone or the other dying? Love does not triumph all else. The real world isn’t like that. Some might call this true love, I call it plain stupid. Seriously ladies, would you really go out with a guy who drinks blood to stay alive? And also wants to drink your blood more than anyone else’s?? No dammit! One more thing about this guy that ticks me off:
Why. Does. He. Sparkle? VAMPIRES BURN IN THE SUN THEY DON’T SPARKLE STEPHENIE YOU STUPID @$!!&*$%^}*!!!!!!!! Wait a sec. I need to calm down….
Okay. Steph, I understand that you have an absurd fantasy about making love to a man who shines like a diamond, but couldn’t you have spared us the torment of knowing that fact? Jesus, someone get this broad a thumping good therapist.
I could go on and on about the infinite flaws in this series, but quite frankly, I’m getting a bit tired. If you want more just watch Alex Day’s other Twilight videos. I’m gonna skedaddle. Byeeee.
ohitsjustrashad 